I am at the bottom of a very steep and narrow canyon. It must be in the middle east. A part of the canyon wall is hollowed out and is now a room and I look in to see Cambodian women and Palestinian men having sex. They are covered in sheets of cream burlap and lit by four or five oil lanterns. I somehow discern though that there is no actual intercourse and the men cannot use their hands. Five or six couples.

It is dusty and hot and light orange and warm browns and yellows. it is my turn.

My friends come along, all guys and we lay down. The most aggressive woman comes to me and is very demanding at first. But she asks rather plaintively, "You have to request what we do."

"I cannot touch you." I said. "Please kiss my neck."

She does for a bit and then stops. "You smell of bile and the taste of lye on your skin from the Dial Soap makes me ill."

I wait patiently while my friends are serviced. I am only staring at this woman's face.

I woke up at 5 this morning and masturbated and then tried hard to go back to sleep.

I am sitting with my mom and dad and I must be 8 years old and on a very small and old row boat made of rusted tin. But there is a motor in the back and the woman operating it is dressed as a pirate. We are going to the Philippines and I am concerned that we will not make it. There's not even a cover for when it is raining, and I am wearing shorts. What happens when it rains and my mother gets wet? A woman and her child are also here. They do not look Filipino -- their hair is streaked blond. I am disgusted by this. My mother asks where they are from. I do not recognize the name, but my mother does. We make a sudden stop, still in the harbor, and a young American couple gets off. They are on the wrong ride. The boat turns around again and we pass by a guy who is riding a similar boat by himself. He is preparing to die in the ocean.

I had this dream last night and I tried very hard this morning to remember.
All I know is that there was green, and competition and a sense of extreme height.

I had this dream two nights ago when this woman was being slashed by her husband and everybody on the street thought to do something but nobody did. Nobody called the cops, and when I tried to nobody helped. There are many ways to interpret this, but I think the one I'd like least to pursue is the "misogynistic" one. Deep down, is it possible that I hate women? It is possible.

Last CD's purchased:
1. U2 "War"
2. Vanilla Sky Soundtrack
3. The Avalanches "Since I left You."

Despite the sun, I am not feeling all that great. Sense of isolation and a mounting fear of something. It is like feeling vibrations on the train tracks, and it is very hot in the forest.

I had a lengthy conversation with a friend last night and I was reminded that I have friends who share similar goals. It is important, for example, to be around non-smokers if you want to stop smoking. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions. This friend also told me certain truths and beliefs that sometimes need to be reaffirmed. I like talking to this friend.

I realized that seeing my parents every day is difficult because there are daily reminders of their age. They will retire to the Philippines in a couple of years, and I hope to somehow make it so that they can stay in America. In the Philippines, it is nice. There is simplicity and comfort there. But in America, there are things like, grocery stores, grandchildren, general sense of security and safety within your house, reliable hot water and open roads.

Songs I would like to listen to now:
1. Sinead O'Connor "Last Day of Our Acquaintance"
2. Radiohead "Vegetable"
3. New Order "1963"